Journal Entries

8 August 2024

I labelled the last journal entry wrong, most likely because I wrote it at midnight or something. Today, is the same but it feels like I made new friends today. Maybe they're just acquaintances though, but I enjoy talking to them. It's just Litchi discord actually the most active people on there are more focused on getting better and discussing Litchi gameplay which makes me so happy... ( ´ ω ` ) I wish I could talk about today and things I found with my girlfriend but the room is here to scream whatever I need out right? Though, I feel weird today with her now. My answer feels off earlier, I am gonna listen to the songs she gave me. It's just, fear? Is it fear? I can't tell truth be told, but it always feels like every hug has escalated into something more than it and everything just feels like that. The road gets so dark within here and it feels like I've brought it up multiple times with her. Today doesn't feel real. Yesterday loops in my head and it eats away at me more and more. I've never felt anything when doing it. I wish I could run away. I wish there was something I can hug and it would always be a hug. The more I think about it, the more it hurts. I think I'm going to find comfort elsewhere.

7 August 2024

Today, I didn't spend much of the day doing anything. I spent the whole day in my room playing the same game. I'm really enjoying this character I picked up, I'm getting slightly better at her! I was also watching The Boys with a friend. I'm only 3 episodes in but I enjoy the show a lot. I hope to continue it more because there's a lot I want to say. Even with these joys, I still feel like I want to go home. I get scared and I can't explain why. It feels like talking to her scares me a lot. The hugs and snuggles turned into something that I didn't know what. I just wanted a hug. I'm scared. I don't know why I can't talk to her about other things. I want to let it out, but my mind struggles to write it all down. I want to go home. There was a home where I could feel free to say how I feel, but I don't know where it is or if it ever existed at all. I feel so filthy, and terrified, and scared, and I don't know why it's heightened by that. I like it too, I play it a lot too, but when it's brought up it scares me. It terrifies me more. I want to go home. I want to run away and fall into the comfort of home. It's not here.

Accomplishments of the Day

1 August 2024

Wow, it's been a month since I started this website. A lot has kept my mind and my body busy, keeping me from writing it all down, coupled with the fact that I forgot to keep doing this. I really want to make it a habit so I don't keep my thoughts all to myself. It's not something I'm used to, but I want to get better at it. My therapist says it takes 2 weeks for things to become habit and I remember that from my psych class too. Um, I did learn all this in school after all and if it's about the mind, I should put it in to practice right? Recently, I earned two (2) paychecks from my pharmacy job. I'm really enjoying it! It's a bit tiring and I get really stressed trying to handle it, but I'm gonna be the best worker I can be. I really love the people I interact with at my job and I care about them deeply, even if it does feel like it gets harder to maintain the energy I have. I was never good working outside with people, but I'm working at a place where people seek to get their medicine from right? I need to be as helpful as I can to them. Also, I sorted out things with my girlfriend. It's still hard, some parts still feel conflicting. There are times where I still feel excluded, whether it is on purpose or not, but I want to keep loving her. I wish for her to feel like she can keep loving me too. I'm really happy to be where I'm at today. I still have some stuff I need to do though so I gotta lock in. I wish the hotel wifi was better so I can clean this website a lot more. You know, my girlfriend recently showed me her website and I'm super jealous! It's so pretty, and she's really skilled at this sorta stuff. I need to get better at mine too >:o

Accomplishments of the Month?

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4 July 2024

I'm really conflicted about this feeling, but I haven't felt as happy as I used to be in this relationship I'm in. I love my girlfriend a lot! I really do, but I get really lonely. I feel like I'm doing a lot just to catch her attention and make her spend time with me. I don't remember a day recently where she's directly come to me and invited me to spend time with her. She doesn't like playing games with me, and she's not really interested in watching things together. I don't really feel like doing it with her, but it's the only thing she's ever interested in doing. All that happens now is we fall asleep together. It hurts a lot. I wish I knew a way to tell her all this, but I'm scared. I get sad, because it feels like she spends more time with her friends than she does with me. Being a lover feels so much more isolating than it is being her friend.

2 July 2024

I hate therapist meetings. They're just not fun at all, it feels stiff and awkward and it feels like I don't really need them but I think I do at the same time. I think my therapist is nice it just gets tiring but I'm really happy that she's there for me. It's her job to but like I'm really happy regardless. I miss my girlfriend by the way, and also my friend told me he was trying to quit his job and he told me his family's house burnt down and I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not so I responded in both ways with the sobbing emoji and condolences.

1 July 2024

First! I'm being so for real when I say I was NOT built for html. it's taking me like more than 5 minutes to comprehend dividers.
I might be cooked idk. I'm also writing this at midnight so it's technically the next day, but I'm recounting yesterday so it's dated yesterday.

Accomplishments of the Day